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Valentine’s Reading (Part 1 of 2): For the Martians


Three days before Valentine’s Day, so this is me, posting with the season.

Men, FYRP.

And because we should celebrate each holiday (even the working holidays) with some reading time.

Back to Venus
A speech shared to our speech class by our instructor, Ms. Jonnah Valero

I met my wife 20 years ago in a revolving door, and today we are still going around in circles.

I must confess that in all the 44 years of my life there is this one species on earth that I don’t understand—women!

I have seen them. I have met them. I have touched them.

They have seen me, they have met me, they have touched me, yet I don’t know a thing about them!

My mother was a woman. My wife is a woman.

My mother-in-law is a woman, I think.

And yet, I do not understand a thing about them.

I don’t understand why they are never reasonable, rational, or responsible, and yet they are always right.

I don’t understand why they have such a big capacity to forgive and forget only when they are wrong.

I don’t understand why is it that when they say “yes,” it means a “maybe” and when they say “maybe” it means a “no” and when they actually say “no, no!” it actually means a big “yes!”

For these reasons I have given up arguing with my wife because if I win the argument then oh, help me God! I’ll get into really big trouble.

Another thing I do not understand about women is their age. Why is their age such a big military secret? Not only is it a big secret, but women also forget their math once they hit 30. From there up, they start counting backwards. My wife better start telling the truth about her age or soon her younger son will be older than she is.

Let’s talk about women and their obsession with make-up.

Make-up what? Was something not done or undone?

Why is that when they powder their noses they really do a whole new paint job on their faces? Why is that when they go to the parlor for a 15-minute pedicure they come back with a 6-hour facial overhaul?

My wife has this Nordic torture tool that she uses to curl her eyelashes. The other day she slipped and fell. Nothing happened, she landed on her eyelashes.

Women claim to be smarter than men, and then they go buy their shirts with buttons running down the back?

Women claim to be smarter than men, then how come the smaller and cuter their dresses, the bigger and uglier the price?

Why is it that single women wear such tight fitting clothes that make it difficult for married men to breathe?

And why is it that the closets of married women are always full and yet for an evening out, they never have anything that fits?

On such evenings the only thing that suits and fits my wife’s mood (and fancy) is my badly abused, black leather wallet.

And do you have any idea how much time and money women spend on their bodies?

Haven’t women realized that the whole slimming industry is a big farce? If you don’t believe me, check out Oprah Winfrey, she’s big one day and small the next day.

The other day my wife went out to get a face-lift. The face-lift didn’t help much so she also had her body lowered.

You know guys, when we acquire women, just like we do for a car, we must ask for an owner’s manual.

That way we will know the names and functions of every part, every psychosis of a woman.

That way we will know when to send her in for a tune-up or when to send her in for an oil change.

That way we will know the difference between wheel alignment and a misaligned crankshaft of a woman.

Having an owner’s manual will help me understand if my wife is low on battery or plain out of gas.

If we can’t get a proper owner’s manual then the only solution is to send them back to the manufacturer. The only solution is to send them back to Venus!

Yes, gentlemen and the not so gentle men of the Earth! Let’s unite!

It’s time to come together and pack these soft, slippery, and silly creatures off to where they came from. Let’s ship them back to Venus!

Imagine a world without women!

No more groceries! No more diapers and no more washing your hands before dinner!

We can live in beer bars, play billiards, and watch basketball all the time.

Imagine a world without women!

Our expenses would be down to a half.

We will have bathrooms, bedrooms, and the backyards all to ourselves.

Imagine a world without women!

No more commitments, no more marriage, and no more procreation!

Hey, wait a minute! No more procreation? No more kissing? No more making out? No more sex?!

Men! I don’t know about you guys, circles or no circles, but I am going right back into that revolving door!

22 Comments leave one →
  1. 11.February.2011 8:33 pm

    Iniisip ko habang binabasa ko to, parang may mali pala sakin? Bat ganun? Parang di naman ako tinablan? O baka kasi late bloomer lang talaga ko. Babasahin ko na lang uli to after a year or two, baka makakarelate na ko nun. Nga pala Jedo, ano yung FYRP? Tsaka tama ba ang perception ko na ang sinasabe dito ay habol lang ng lalake sa babae ay sex? O baka mali lang ako? O baka tama? O baka sa english ay cow. =))

    • 11.February.2011 8:56 pm

      Sabi ko na itatanong mo kung ano ibig sabihin nung FYRP e. “For Your Reading Pleasure” yun, giliw. 😉

      Anyway, di pa siguro to applicable sayo kasi neneng ka pa (Weh, 19 na mag-20 na next month, neneng pa?). Siguro nga late bloomer ka, Fradge. Pero don’t fuss about it. Puro generalizations naman yung nanjan sa speech na yan, hindi siya maituturing na accurate description ng isang babae. 🙂

      At yung sa last part, isa yan sa mga posibleng interpretation. Ako ang nakita ko jan, nagiging honest lang yung speaker about the fact na isa ang sex sa mga major influences kung bakit pinapahalagahan naming mga kalalakihan ang mga kababaihan at isa sa pinakamabigat na dahilan kung bakit ayaw naming mapatapon kayo sa Venus kung saan (daw) kayo nagmula. 😀

      • 11.February.2011 9:10 pm

        Haha. Sadyang mahina lamang ako sa mga abbre, jedo. Pasensya. Haha. Hindi na ko nene, dahil nga ako’y magttwenty na. Pero sa kabilang banda, wala palang sa kabilang banda.

        Sa tingin mo ba hindi lame reason yun? I mean, na sex lang ang dahilan kung bakit kailangan mag-exist ng babae sa buhay ng mga kalalakihan?

      • 11.February.2011 9:28 pm

        Haha. I understand. Kaya nga na-anticipate ko na itatanong mo yun e. Wala namang masama, nadagdagan pa knowledge mo sa acronyms ng wala sa oras. =))

        Well, syempre lame reason talaga yun. Pero hindi naman yun lang ang punto nung conclusion e. Tinutumbok niya na yan ang realidad sa buhay ng karamihan (kung kaya nga mas madalas ma-objectify ang mga babae kesa mga lalake, e.g., magazines, TV shows, kahit sa music industry, and in worse cases, pornography).

  2. 11.February.2011 9:39 pm

    Sabagay, hindi nga sya yung main point. Pero ang lame pa din. REBOLUSYON! Haha. JK. 😀

    • 11.February.2011 9:48 pm

      Oo, kahit kaming mga lalake aminadong lame talagang rason yun. Pero ano naman magagawa namin, e naka-print sa DNA namin ang sex. 😀

      • 11.February.2011 10:09 pm

        Haha. Tama.

      • 13.February.2011 2:01 am

        Nag-agree ka na lang talaga, noh? 😆

        Well, it is a known fact, so tama lang na sumang-ayon ka. 😀

  3. 12.February.2011 5:41 pm

    Thank you for dropping by. I’m having so much trouble in posting. See, I signed up and I failed at the very first week. Haha. Well, I think I probably need to catch up.

    Nice post. You probably get another reader here. I’ll find time to back read. 😀

    • 13.February.2011 2:15 am

      Hi KS! Thanks for dropping by, too! 🙂

      Right, you’re part of Post A Week 2011 too! You’ll be fine. As some of the WP admin guys said, it’s quite okay to not be able to post at least once a week. The point of the challenge is getting to the total number of posts as if you were posting at least once a week since January 1. Meaning, if you missed a week or two, or even more, all you have to do is post a lot to make up the lost time.

      For example, if a blogger hasn’t posted anything since the start of the year, he/she has to get 7 posts in, 8 when this week ends. Or, if you like to look at the big picture, all that needs to be done to accomplish the Post A Week Challenge is to post at least 53 entries all year long (If my count of the total number of weeks in 2011 is right!).

      Glad you found this post nice. And I’m extra glad that I ‘probably’ have another reader in you and that you’ll find time to read my past posts. In fact, I’m so glad that I’ll ‘probably’ do the same for you! 😀

      • 19.February.2011 11:02 pm

        Lol. Why stressing probably? Anyway, thanks for the encouragements. I really need to blog often so I can work on my grammar and everything. It’s frustrating din kasi if you want to write but cannot find the right words to express the feeling.

        Nga pala, I’m interested on MP³. I’m welcome to join db? 😀

      • 20.February.2011 7:21 pm

        To give emphasis to the word, and to point to the fact that I can remove it and I’d still be saying the same thing—that is, I’m perfectly certain that I have another reader in you and that you’ll find time to read my past posts, and that you’ll have another reader in me and that I’ll find time to read your posts. 🙂

        You’re most welcome, dear. Yep, blogging is the perfect venue to showcase and improve our grammar and other writing skills. And I know the feeling of frustration when you have all these wonderful ideas in your head but can’t find the words that accurately convey them. But, practice makes perfect, so they say. Also, nothing is impossible if we all just support each other as we make our way to greatness. 😀

        Wow! You’re interested to join the MP³? That’s fantastic news. You’re a welcome addition to the club. I can’t wait to see your MP³ post on Tuesday! I trust you already know how it goes? Well, if for some reason you feel lost, you know how to reach me for questions/inquiries. 😉

  4. 13.February.2011 9:15 pm

    HAHA. Syempre. 😀

    • 14.February.2011 5:31 am

      Salamat sa pag-agree at sa pag-unawa sa aming mga kalalakihan. 🙂

  5. 21.February.2011 11:12 am

    Thank you for giving me an assurance of having another reader. I must admit that my blog site is not that exposed since I’m still a little uncomfortable on making my thoughts transparent. I’m not really confident on how I construct sentences etc. etc. And yeah, I know I do have to work on that and you’re a big help. For the fact that you’re from UP and you took Communication Arts major in Speech Communication and minor in Writing, you’re really a big help. (Ok I did a little stalking on that) Haha.

    I assume I already know how it goes. I’ve read your explanation on your post Clouds. I have to post mine and put the links of the other bloggers below, right? Well, I just want to ask if you’ll automatically have the ‘pingback’ when I put the links. Anyway, what’s ‘pingback’? Hahaha. Sorry. 😀

    • 21.February.2011 4:59 pm

      😆 Thanks for taking a look at my The Author page. I obviously got lazy while working on it and just put a boring profile of myself there. The page needs work. I’ll be renovating it soon.

      Anyway, you know dear, the sentences, paragraphs, grammar and style are all just vessels for our ideas and beautiful thoughts. At the end of the day, it’s still the content that matters most. So, write away, not thinking of grammar, spelling, or whatever. So long as whatever you write comes from within you and not plagiarized from someone else’s work, then what you have written is something that deserves to be read. 🙂 And that’s also why every budding writer deserves an editor friend ( If you like, I can be your editor friend! 😀 ).

      I knew it. You already know how it goes! 🙂 And yep, you’ve got everything right. As for the pingback: yep, once you link someone they automatically get a pingback. It’s a notice that the blogger you link to gets in the comments area of the specific post you linked to. See the pingback in action in the comments section of MP³ #2: Clouds.

      • 21.February.2011 8:13 pm

        The Author page is pretty cool though. Like I’m reading an autograph or a slambook (slumbook?) whatsoever. Lol I felt stupid there. 🙂

        And oh, thank you for offering help. Okay, From now on you’re my editor friend. 🙂 Please give me more tips on how to write properly. I know I do need a lot more practice and I’ll be glad if you’ll be there to guide me. 😀

        I already saw the pingback. Thank you. I’m excited for tomorrow. Flame… I think I already have a photo to post. 😀

      • 22.February.2011 2:00 am

        You found it cool? Thanks! 🙂 Yep, it is kind of like a slumbook, or an ‘autograph’ as I used to call it when I was in elementary school (I’m glad to see that I wasn’t the only one). 😆

        Wow. I think this is the first time that I’ll be an editor friend to someone. I’m not sure if there’s a lot I can offer in terms of writing skills and the like, but I’m one obsessive-compulsive guy, so if you need someone to help you spot grammatical and spelling errors or what have you, I’m the man you want for the job. 😉

        Yey! Hey tomorrow, get here already! 😀

  6. 22.February.2011 10:53 am

    😀 We’re not alone, I know some who still use ‘autograph’ instead of slumbook. Hehe. I still keep one from my elementary days and my assignment is to bring that on our upcoming reunion next year. Hihi. 😀

    Really, you’re first time? I’m glad I’m the first one. It’s also my first time to have an editor friend. Wait, I’m your what-friend? Lol. OC? I hope I will not have a lot of red marks on my blog. Hihi. I know you can teach me a lot and I’ll do my best to absorb all that. 😀

    I’m waiting for your MP³ post. Hihi. 😀

    • 22.February.2011 6:37 pm

      I keep TWO from my elementary days! I even had my teachers fill it up, and of course some of the upper class girls that I had a huge crush on. 😀

      Yep. I mean, I’ve never seriously offered to help someone out with their grammar, spelling, writing style, etc. before you. Hmm. You’re my ‘writer friend’. Or ‘author friend’. But I think we need to stop thinking of names/labels because they really don’t matter, at least to me.

      Relax, dear. I won’t go the ‘red marks’ route as I help you with your writing. That’s just not my style. I won’t give you harsh criticism, but you can count on me to always tell you the truth. And I promise to criticize your work gently. 😉

      Oh, my MP³ #3: Flame post is due up later tonight, around 10:30pm. 🙂

      • 23.February.2011 3:35 pm

        Haha. Stalking in a nicer way? I think you’re the only guy I know who owns and keeps an autograph. 😛

        Okay, whatever it is, we’re friends. 😀 And oh, you must really always tell the truth. Don’t worry, I can handle that. I’m finally learning how to deal with criticism. That will be for the best, I know. 😀

        Well, thanks again for liking my MP³ post. 😛

  7. 24.February.2011 6:41 pm

    Hehe. Yep, stalking in a nice way, with their cooperation to boot! 😀

    Yeah, I get that a lot. Not a lot of guys have an autograph. All I thought was that an autograph would be an easy way to get to know all the pretty girls in school without actually having to spend a lot of time with them. 😆

    Yes we are! I’m glad that we’re on the same page.

    Well, what’s not to like with your flame photo? 😉

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